Note to Readers: Kids biting and hitting at school or the playground cause a stressful parenting issue that many of us would rather not have to address. Harsh punishments usually escalate the unwanted behaviors. It is important to understand why a child might hit, bite, or scratch and guide your child to more acceptable social behavior. Thanks to Wendy and Dr. Lynne for sharing their professional and parenting wisdom.
by Wendy Young
Physical acts of aggression such as biting, hitting and scratching are amongst the biggest concerns voiced by parents and educators of toddlers and preschoolers. While it’s shocking and probably embarrassing when your child becomes physically aggressive, it’s not unusual behavior for young kids. When children are overcome with feelings such as anger, fear, frustration or disappointment, for example, because another child has possession of a toy they want, they don’t have the language to express it.
But the question remains, why does a child engage in physical aggression?
To answer this question, I’ll pull from an up and coming book, “Time-In, Not Time-Out”, co-written by Dr. Lynne Kenney and me. This soon-to-be-released book tackles some of the most challenging behaviors of early childhood and helps parents and caregivers respond in ways which pull children towards greater success.
To start off, let’s look at this from two separate perspectives; biological and social.
From a Biological Perspective: To a young child, physical aggression seems like the quickest way to get her point across, “I’m frustrated, mad, or overwhelmed.” Not yet having the verbal skills, or the cognitive ability to process all that is going on around her or inside of her and put it into words, it’s no wonder that objectionable behavior becomes one of the quickest routes the child sees to get her needs met. A child simply lacks the verbal skills to say, “Hey, that is my toy, I am playing with it, find something else to play with.” Almost makes you laugh a bit, because when does a child get language like that?
From a Social Perspective: A young child doesn’t yet have the maturity or skills to relax, take a deep breath and express her frustration like an older child could. Nobody is born with these abilities. These skills will take time and require a patient, nurturing parent or caregiver to convey and model these abilities. This is a process and must continually be demonstrated to the child in various areas of her life.
A Call for Help
Over and over again parents ask, “How do I punish my child out of this behavior?” The answer is, “You Don’t.” We teach children into new behaviors, we cannot punish them out of undesirable ones. Parents and caregivers need to take a deep breath and recognize that physical aggression is one way for a child to say, “I need help from you in figuring out how to do this better.” Assume when your child bites, or engages in other acts of physical aggression, that she had no other choice available to her at the moment. She needs your support in finding better alternatives.
Wouldn’t life be easier for us big people, if we could look at every misguided behavior in this manner, every single time? Yes, I think it would!
First Things First: Help the Injured Child
Okay, so the physical altercation has already taken place. What to do?
- Tend to the injured child first. Offer comfort measures.
- Help both parties calm down.
- Allow the child who caused physical harm to make amends. This does not mean making them apologize. The child can apologize if he/she chooses, but that should not be insisted upon by the adult. Most importantly, you will want to help the child heal the relationship with the child she injured by allowing her to offer to fetch an ice-pack or provide the injured child with a stuffed animal or some other “lovie”.
- Engage both children in a soothing activity, if they are open to it.
The Final Analysis: Help the Child with Misguided Behavior
Tending to the injured child is just one part of the equation. Your work is not yet done here. Next, it’s time to help the child with misguided behavior learn some better ways to get her needs met in the future.
You can start by saying things such as:
- “Biting (or hitting or scratching) hurts. Let’s find a way to tell what you need.”
- “It’s okay to be mad. Everybody gets mad sometimes. We can tell other people, ‘I’m mad!’”
- “When you get really angry and don’t know what to do, you can ask for help.”
- “It’s okay to say, “NO” when someone is doing something you don’t like.”
- “You can get your mad feelings out by ripping up old paper or pounding on play-dough.”
What about Consequences?
Ah, the age old dilemma. “When you mess up, you must pay for it!” Unfortunately, we are still often stuck in an antiquated way of looking at childhood misbehavior. Time-out and other aversive methods are counter-productive because they teach kids to bottle-up and repress their emotions. It punishes them for not knowing what to do. It also shows them that we have no skills or alternatives to teach them. Meeting a child’s needs and teaching her better ways to handle her feelings of upset, in the long run, supports her in learning to meet her own needs in socially proactive ways.
As adults, we are often fooled into thinking that a child’s behavior has improved because we provided them with consequences. This is not exactly the case. The reality is that behavior improves when one learns new skills. Here’s to skill-building for all kids!
Wendy Young, LMSW, BCD is the mom of three kids still at home, an award-winning Child & Family Therapist and the founder of Kidlutions: Solutions for Kids. She blogs at Spin-Doctor Parenting {and teaching!} and is the behavioral health expert for momtourage.com.
Children need to learn to manage stress and anger in a healthy manner to minimize the chances of biting and hitting. A family that incorporates relaxation into their lives empowers children to have healthy coping strategies. The Indigo Dreams Series addresses stress and anger management for adults, teens, and children. Available in CD or download format.
That was great and thank you. This is such a hard one to deal. I’m still working on getting the message to parents that spanking a kid for physically hurting another child is the last thing you want to do. It sends the wrong message. “You may not hurt other kids but I can hurt you.” double standard.
Thank you for reminding me that kids who don’t have huge verbal skills are sometimes at a loss as to how to get their point across.
Thanks Diana for sharing that. Physical aggression is hurtful and hurts between children, adults, and child-adult. Parents also need to be empowered on what TO DO instead of spanking.
I don’t understand what I am supposed to do my 2 and a 1/2 year old lashes out on himself scratching his eyes banging his head on the floor and this has gone on for well over half of his life he talks just fine communicates physically and verbally but anytime there’s any sort of issue or uproar he just starts smashing his head on the ground and scratches at his eyes it is extremely frustrating as a stay-at-home father And at this point I don’t know what to do….. Any suggestions?
Finally information that makes sense. I’ve been struggling with out to help my son navigate his emotions. Your suggestion of replacing bad behaviors with positive ones sounds very promising I’m going to put it into action.
I have an issue with the no consequences idea. My son has been punched kicked bitten until blood is drawn and left with bruses from bites and punches because the kid doing it is on the spectrum and “can’t help it”
Because the daycare does not have a time out or anything for this behavior my son has started punching and kicking and not listening to teachers at daycare. I have to leave work and to pick up my son because its “not safe” but the kid on the spectrum is allowed to stay even when he is a danger to my son. I think a time out and consaquance like not going out to play on the playground might be in order. I can’t say that this ‘time in” philosophy works with every kid or keeps kids safe.
As a parent, I once hired a behavior therapist (or other appropriate professional) to observe my child and see what is happening in the classroom and playground. I would also schedule a meeting with head of the daycare to discuss and find out what protocols they have in place. It sounds like the teacher is not being given any guidance on how to handle these issues. The behavior specialist might be able to help establish strategies for everyone involved.
So my son will be two in April. He just came home a week ago. He is biting hitting and scratching his other play mates at day care. I’ve tried talking to him before I drop him off but nothing is working. I’ve asked for help from our secure child therapist but she says just talking to him should be enough but it’s not working. I would be upset if my child came home hurt so I dont wantbhim hurting others. I’n afraidvhe will be kicked out of day care. I’m a single mom so I cant have that happen.
He has been in foster care since birth because I was incarcerated and it took me this long to get a home and get him back.
Congratulations on your home and being together. As good as all that is, it sounds like your son has a lot of change going on. Without knowing all the details, letting him know you know this is different for him and you’ll get through it together would be good. Talking with teachers also. This is a superficial response I know! It’s great you are paying attention to him and yourself.
I love this post!
When my oldest daughter was 3, she bit her friend… I knew it was coming as her friend was always in her face – constantly poking her to get attention. My daughter and I had talked about ways for her to deal with it but at this moment, my daughter did what she felt she needed to do. I immediately tended to the injured and then talked it out with my daughter ( similar to what Wendy mentioned) and all was okay after, at least with the girls.
My one question is with the parent of the injured child; how to talk it out with them?
That is a great question Heather… Stay tuned as I am sure we will hear from the experts on it. Thanks for sharing you real life situation. It is difficult for a 3 year old to implement what we teach them…but what a gift to start young… I alway find that repetition (no matter what age) of role playing the situation makes it easier for the child to use the techniques they are taught. From 3 to 21 playing out situations helps when the stress of the actual situation takes us by surprise. Even now I practice responses ahead of time.
This comment chain is pretty old, but I just stumbled across it now, and because it’s full of sound advice, I hope someone will be able to enlighten me on a course of action regarding toddler scratching.
Our daughter is 22 months and she’s a very affectionate child. In fact that’ s the main comment we get from daycare: How affectionate she is to other kids; always hugging and giving kisses. We know it to be true. She’s very touchy-lovie. She does however have a passionate side, which, when fuelled by a tantrum, can be pretty tempestuous. Scratching sometimes becomes an issue. I bore the brunt of it on a few occasions. She knows she shouldn’t do it and she has tamed her impulses of late, but yesterday at daycare she scratched a kid. The kindest gentlest kid in her group (so there’s no confusion as to who was the provocator). According to the caregiver, the little boy was still sleeping when my daughter woke up and went to his cot eager to wake him up. By the way this kid is her favourite in the group. She loves him and says his name all the time. She’s always petting him and kissing his cheek, hugging his arm (even his mom coos at how sweet my daughter is to her son). Anyway, so after her nap yesterday, she goes over to him and scratches his face. The kid jolted up and cried, the caregivers all came running over, and my daughter was obviously distraught by the commotion. So the caregivers decide to take measures into their own hands, and they cut her nails. But not just a routine trim. They cut them to the quick…so that even if she wanted to scratch again she wouldnt do any harm. My poor daughter’s now traumatized from the ordeal, to a point where she woke up in the night crying “ouch!ouch!” (Good luck trying to keep her nails trimmed from now on…)
So really I have issues on two fronts: 1- how to dissuade my daughter from scratching (even when she really really likes someone.) Scratching is bad. It hurts. Period. And 2- How to address the issue with the daycare personnel who, albeit were trying to do the right thing, I fear made it worse by turning nail cutting into torture ( I shouldn’t? coin it to that degree, but fact is she was held under duress while her nails were being cut. Her fingers have reddish skin near the nail, and she is skittish when we touch them. Her crying out in her sleep also doesn’t help matters. What to do?!!’
I cannot believe they cut her nails that short… that could cause in-grown nails. Your poor baby!! If it were my child that scratched that boy I would figure that perhaps she did it out of jealousy, or anger that maybe he wasn’t paying her enough attention. My 2 year old is just like that with the jealousy thing. And she is an avid scratcher but never to other kids or her dad but to me. (Lots of fun I hope you never get there o m g). As for the day care… I would have brought the subject up to them and would have told them that she was up at night crying and saying ouchie, so you bring it up to light to them. Say how you do not want them cutting her nails. They are there only to watch the children and change diapers and feed them. They aren’t there to give hair cuts or nail cuts… anything like that is going beyond your freedom and your child’s rights. Good luck x
I am absolutely appalled and concerned by your story. Yes scratching is not ok but cutting her nails and to such an extent? I would advise you to make a formal and official complaint and demand answers as to how they went about this act of cruelty. You need to make some loud noise about this. Their way of handling this was to the extreme and I would make investigations into their training and what they were really taught on how to handle a situation like this. Unbelievable in this day and age!
I know that this is an old chain, almost a year ago but as the Director of a child care centre I am extremely concerned. Not only is it unacceptable for staff to cut a child’s nails, but there should not be a nail clipper on site! I don’t know what country you are in if that makes a difference but in Canada our licensing regulations and health and safety does not allow us to cut nails. I can see possibly filing but even then we would need to have written permission from parents. I hope your little lady got through her trauma and the scratching eventually stopped.
I see both sides. My son is 3.5 and currently the victim of a 2.5 year old scratcher at his preschool… he’s been scratched 4 times now and bled. I WISH the preschool could cut this kid’s nails as I’m fed up with the scratching… (the child’s parents are useless). I’m constantly being asked to be understanding of this kid’s young age when I make a complaint about it… I think 4 times is too many! Plus my son is now very reluctant to go to school and has regressed in the potty training so I know this is taking an emotional toll on him. While I think the preschool should not have cut her nails without your consent I think that if your child has a tendency to scratch then making sure their nails are short at all times is essential! Imo I also think if the scratching continues to occur then it’s time to keep the child home for a few days to cool down and work on their aggressive acting out.
I know this is an old chain of comments, but I want to know how to deal with the situation and teach our kids not to scratch other kids especially their good friends.
I am sorry this happened to your little girl. Regardless of what she did the childcare had no right to cut her nails. I would be discussing that with them. Put some nice soothing cream on her nails and make it like you are giving her a little hand massage. Not sure what to do about the scratching as children this age are unable to say what they want.
They will grow back but scratched eyeballs don’t! Good for them!
Fascinating post! I’m a real believer in gentle discipline, and you have some great suggestions. In a group situation, I often calmly asked the child with misguided behavior to work alone until he or she felt ready to interact positively with other children. When I let the child choose when he or she felt ready for positive interactions, the child viewed it as a way to regain emotional control rather than as a punishment. I love the idea of giving the misguided child ideas for future interactions as well. I pinned your post to my Discipline Pinterest board at http://pinterest.com/debchitwood/discipline/.
Love how you let the child regain emotional control and choose when to re-engage with the group. I think this also sends a message of acceptance to the group where as punishing encourages the group to ostracize which creates a vicious cycle. Thanks so much for sharing and posting this on your site Deb.
Such a great article! Love the acknowledgement of the feelings and that sometimes we all get mad, upset, etc. So important to teach kids to handle their emotions instead of repressing them.
Thanks for the great post!
Deana
HI Ladies
Thanks you everyone very positive response’s to wendy’s article, and teaching our kids about how they feel also known as Emotional Intelligence!
I will wait for wendy to weigh in then add also.
Thanks Lori and Wendy for mentioning Time-In not Time-Out new book coming!
Ava
Wow! It makes my heart sing to hear about all of the fabulous ways that parents and caretakers make such an effort to help kids develop social-emotional skills, as well as pull them towards greater and greater successes! It isn’t always easy and requires a great deal of emotional control on the adult’s part. I applaud everyone’s effort to help kids learn how to self-regulate, how to problem-solve and how to manage BIG feelings. The trick is really for us NOT to personalize misguided behaviors.
To answer Heather’s question, when comforting the child who was hurt, I would say something like, “I bet that was scary for you. I’m sorry you got hurt. I’m going to do whatever I can to help you feel better and I’ll do whatever I can to help (other child’s name) learn some better ways to get what he needs. We will all help each other here.” Of course, depending upon the age, you’d have to tweak it. The younger the child, the less you would need to say. Short and simple.
Happy parenting!
Wendy @Kidlutions
Terrific article Wendy! This post is extremely valuable and important. Through your expertise and caring heart of you have provided both the understanding and positive solutions for parents and early educators.
As you pointed out this is an common issue and concern for many parents. Through the information you have shared you will be helping numerous loving parents know how to handle these situations in the most beneficial way.
The book by the three of you is going to be outstanding and I am anxious to share it with the world!
Perfect timing for this article. My 3yr old son just started biting my other kids. He has had speech issues and I believe his lack of verbal communication gets frustrating for him (along with sharing). He’s turned into a hitter & kicker but has just started biting too.
I try to help him voice his frustrations by helping him with the words. I was hoping it was just an age thing, but I’m thinking its both.
Thanks Deborah, appreciate you are looking forward to the book by the three of us!
Wendy excellent as usual !!!
Heather did you get to speak to the mom of the child that was bitten?
That’s is always hard and sometime a little embarrassing .Also depends on the mom’s personality what you are going to say.
I have had this conversation many times with lots of moms. Most felt a I ‘m sorry my child bit yours ,I feel badly. I hope we can play again and have kids practice asking each other for things.
You can add,I am working hard on helping him use his words when he feels someone is in his space.
I mention the space issue because odds are the other child was up in your child’s face so the other child could probably benefit from subtle help with that. But you also dont want the mom to feel you are blaming her child. Although I firmly believe it take two to tango as they say:)
Rachel I wrote a book called Listen To Me Please that has pictures and words and conversation starters to help kids express feelings. A child can point to the feelings pictures instead of kicking and biting to express feelings till they learn their words..
best Ava
This is fantastic Ava! I have found that when I mention that we are working on changing a negative behavior, parents are more supportive. I also let parents know ahead of time (ie: dropping my child off at a play date) what behaviors we are working on and asking for the parents involvement which is mostly creating an awareness. This is part of the “it takes a village” approach and it is a “heads up” for parents to look for triggers. Thanks for sharing Ava
Great idea Lori to be proactive at drop offs and mention what you are working on .
I forgot that great tip as I am always hosting and playing with the kids on the playdates:)
I would love to use that in our new book Time-In Not Time-Out
Thanks Ava
Wow Ava…I would love for you to use that in your new book!
It is so true that children need to be taught how to appropriately respond to frustrations. The best time to teach this isn’t during a heated exchange that has already gotten out of hand. The best time is when they are calm and happy and interested in what you have to say. Thant’s why we parents have to think about what social skills, character qualities and behaviors our children need to know. Thank you for the interesting article.
You are so right….teach anger management during calm moments…teach relaxation during calm moments…I am seeing a pattern here….calm….
When I was a child and I did something wrong like hitting or scratching, I was disciplined by taking away something I enjoyed. It worked for me and has worked for many generations of Anerican children; why won’t that work now?
I’m a nanny to two homeschooled kids. They rarely interact with other children and tend to be in each other’s faces all the time. The younger one (age 7) has developed a sort of “hit first, ask questions later” attitude. She scratches, kicks, pinches, and bites. I’m covered in infected scratches. Part of me knows it’s because she’s miserably unhappy at home, which I can’t really change, but on the other hand – she has GOT to stop hurting me, her sister, and pretty much everyone else around. At 7 I really feel like she should be beyond hurting people, at least to the extent that she’s doing. What do I do? Should I confront the mother? Do you think this kid needs help beyond directing her to something else? I’ve tried some of the ideas in your post but it’s not working.
This is a great article and I have found that these strategies have been really helpful with our just-turned-2-year-old when he went through a period of pushing and hitting other kids a few months back. My problem now — he hits, pinches, kicks, bites, and throws things AT ME. Regularly. Sometimes he is clearly angry, some that isn’t so clear (like it just comes out of nowhere while we are playing). It does happen often when I am not giving him my undivided attention — speaking to my husband, trying to make dinner, putting a load in the washing machine. It doesn’t matter if I’ve just spent (literally) 2 solid hours playing with him, as soon as he doesn’t have my attention, he starts to do these things. It infuriates me — who likes being hit? I don’t (and in fact, it really pushes my buttons after awhile and I want to lash back — I don’t and DO manage to stay calm but it drives me mad). Please help!!!
This Is The Silliest Thing I Have Ever Read! Not Discipling A Child For Violent Behavior Is Just Telling Them It Is Ok. It’s Not!! I Have 2 Children And Both Of Them Bit Someone 1 Time And That Was It. Do You Know Why? Because They Were Spanked. Yes, I Said Spanked. They Are Now 17 And 11, Both Are Straight A Student, Both Are Active In Sports And No Matter Where They Go (School Or A Friends House) I Always Get Complimented On Their Behavior. My Children Are Polite And Respectful And It’s Because They Have Been Made Mind. That Is What Is Wrong With Todays SocietY, Parents Want To Talk To There Kids And Be There Friends, Not Spank Them And Be Their Parents. I Know My Children Get Mad At Me, So What, They Will Get Over It. They Know I Love Them And Appreciate The Discipline When They See Their Classmates And Friends Get In Trouble Because Their Parents “Talk It Out” Instead Of Busting Their Behinds.
I totally agree!! Good for you. A parent who actually spanked her child so the child knew there were consequences to certain actions.
I have to say this isn’t ok. Nowhere in you’re theory do you address that you need to make sure that your child understands that violent, rude behaviour for whatever reason is not ok, and should not be tolerated, by anyone, whether they are the ones inflicting pain or receiving it. This just simply isn’t an effective or acceptable form of communication, and kids need to be held accountable for their behavior, especially when it’s bad behavior. Your theories are basically telling the child, it’s ok, we’ll let this slide, but maybe next time you could try communicating better? What a load of crap. Don’t let bad behavior slide, set a precedent that it’s not acceptable at all, and make them understand. Then show them how to do better.
You people surprise me on how the opinions fly around on how to discipline your own kid. A parent can talk till they a blue in the face. “That means explaining to the kid What you did isn’t acceptable, being disrespectful, it’s wrong, irresponsible, your grounded until further notice, no electronics, on and on and on until the parent runs out of EXCUSES on I call fake discipline. Elementary students need their butt busted by the principal of the school if that student keeps “from ALL up above” causing trouble for other students or teachers. Some parents are representing discipline as a SHOULDN’T word. Ex; “You SHOULDN’T do that because that was very disrespectful.” DISCIPLINE EQUALS FREEDOM. Teach the kid how to build character, integrity and self-awareness. This can only be done correctly if the parent has character and integrity. If the parent doesn’t know the meaning of character they cannot teach or show discipline in the correct manner. This is the very sad part for a 8 to 12 yr old kid. I discipline my kids everyday of the week and they have so much freedom that in reality they discipline theirselves to do to right thing everyday which builds character and integrity in them. My 12 and 13 yr old daughters are good leaders. These two kids are not selfish or irresponsible but they are not perfect either and they know that. This people is what builds their character and other people and kids recognize it to. Thank you
Yeah, the only part of this I agree with is tending to the injured child first. The rest of this “no punishment” stuff is total crap. Seriously, I do not advocate spanking, but telling parents to not give any discipline is ridiculous. In adult life, if I bite someone when I’m angry, they call the cops and I get arrested. That’s my punishment for assault. Children HAVE TO KNOW that there are consequences for the behaviors they choose to use. After the time out, you tell them they are allowed to get frustrated, but NOT allowed to bite. Also, if you teach a child to rip paper or pound play dough to deal with frustration, they are going to rip up important things and pound other things (including people). Bad behavior is bad behavior, and advice like this is killing our kids’ understanding of acceptable and unacceptable behavior. Total crap.
Very helpful post, however it is my opinion that most of you are making a huge mistake. A little of tough love on your children is never hurt anyone. Of course one does not have to go crazy and beat the hell out of them but a little spanking and a timeout to shock them and make them understand that what they did is not right, it is not wrong or “double standard”. You can’t compare yourself (adult) to a child. The child needs to understand that adult and child are not allowed to do the same things and that there is a huge difference between the two i.e. the adult is in charge! That is to say ” You are not the adult, you pushed the other kid, therefore you are getting a spank in your rear and you are going in time out”. Most of you want to be friends with your toddler and that is only going to create problems that will become huge when they grow up in their teenager years. The statement that there shouldn’t be any consequences for their behavior is a very ignorant one if you ask me. As an educator I see these kids being allowed everything these days. They are not failed anymore if they don’t do their work all year, they don’t take the course again in the summer to recoup, there is no suspension or expulsion for major misbehavior. They just get pushed ahead into the system. The result is that most of them are close to being illiterate, lacking basic social and problem solving skills. These will be our professionals in the work force some day. Most of it all they are facing a society that as opposed to what it happens in school or at home, on the contrary offers extreme consequences if they don’t follow rules or laws. Therefore, smarten up parents and don’t be afraid to show your kids who’s in charge and resolute to consequences if they misbehave!
So my grandson is the recipient of the abuse in a step sibling situation with scratches that leave marks and hitting. He is 3 and she is 2. He is a very mild and calm child yet hardly ever cries and has no response on his behalf to the incident.
Mom does what you requested she do with not much attention to the child who was hit or scratched. there seems to be not much progress. How can we help the victim as this continues??
Confused and sad for both kids
Grandma Maureen
What a load of nonsense. I don’t think that making a child apologise to another child is a punishment. It teaches a child to immediately address the fact that they have done something they shouldn’t have done. It also immediately helps to repair the relationship not only between the children but between parents of those children, it teaches other onlooking children that the action carried out was wrong. If my child was scratched in the face by another child and the parent of the other child simply told the other child to give my child a toy, I think my child and myself would be very confused. It could leave other children thinking that before they hand a toy to another child they should scratch the child first. It does nothing to point out to any of the children that the act of scratching/biting was wrong. I think this advice is going to cause great tensions between parents.
I agree very much with the comment made by Ruby. My child used to bite my other child for at least a year. There is 2 years age difference between them and out of frustration because the youngest couldn’t communicate, he would bite. He then stopped biting when he himself was bitten by another child a couple of years later when he started kindergarten. My son was drinking water at a fountain and a little girl bit him on the arm because she couldn’t communicate because she didn’t know how to speak English. I received a phone call from the Teacher assuring me that the other child’s behaviour had been dealt with as it was the second time they had done this within a short period of time. The child’s parents were contacted as well. I found another article which suggests that a child should be told that their behaviour is not appropriate straight away and an example would be to give them time out so it gives them the chance to connect their behaviour to the consequence (time out and not allowed to play). My son has endured biting, hitting and punching from a cousin who is 2 years younger than him. My child will come home with scratches and bite marks on the face and other parts of the body. A couple of times when I was supervising the children, I witnessed with my own eyes how this younger child behaves and at times he would get so aggressive that he would jump on my son’s stomach and start to punch my child. I even witnessed when my father-in-law took an object from the child and the child began hitting him (quite aggressively). My father-in-law just walked away and did not address the behaviour to my horror. Kids needs to learn what is positive and negative and we shouldn’t assume that this will learn this own their own. We as adults teach them and when they go to school, they are expected to adhere to discipline and certain appropriate behaviours within the classroom.
I also wanted to comment that the child who hits, bites and punches my son has excellent verbal communication skills. So if he can communicate effectively, why the need to be aggressive?
We don’t live in a world where there are no consequences. There are consequences for everything you do. To teach a child especially a male child that there are no consequences is doing them a disservice and is bad parenting. Not incorporating some form of punishment even if it is taking away privileges will set your child up for a rude awakening. All these guru’s have the answer, but in the real world it hardly ever works. These guru’s have been around for many years now and I have yet to see the perfect person emerge from all their teachings. One parenting fad after another. My advice is to navigate your on way through parenting.
I’ts a question, not a reply. Where does a baby under the age of 7 months, learn to pinch, bite and scratch, come from? Is it learnt behavior? or does the baby just choose to react with people that way. She also does it, when her mother is frustrated with her.
Our 1yo is scratching, pinching (more like trying to grab a fist full of skin) and biting but only to me (father), mother and sister. Everyone else, daycare, other family she doesn’t do it to. Looks like we’re doing everything we can be doing. It usually comes about when she is told to stop doing something or something is taken away from her. We use these moments to try and teach her to calm down and not to do those things. But sometimes it just comes out of nowhere.
What’s starting to concern me is that the more we are teaching her to not do these things…she is starting to do them to herself.
The bible states that to spare the rod is to spoil the child. No, not beat the child. But these issues must be addressed. When they get out in the world are they going to continue to hurt other people. There are rules in this world and they need to know they must follow them.
I have a 10 year old female from DCF . She is very aggressive with her two siblings and myself. She pretty much is hitting swearing every where. She says she doesn’t care if she hurts someone. Anything you try to tell her her response is “I don’t care ” what is the best way to help her
Anita,
You posted this so long ago…and I’m just seeing it. The behaviors you are referring to indicate that there has perhaps been some significant trauma in this child’s life. Hopefully, the child is engaged in therapy and you are able to get some sound guidance from her therapist. If she is not in therapy, please make every effort to see to it that this child gets a licensed, qualified mental health therapist to help. Trauma-informed care is critical to her well-being, as well as to that of the whole family. I wish you my best. This child can be helped with sensitive, trauma care.
This is very comforting. Today, my 3 year old daughter scratched another girl the same age who was trying to take a toy that my daughter was playing with. The mom told me that my daughter needs to see a psychologist, that she is not ready for group activities, that she needs help or is going to get worse in elementary school, and that she knows this from her experience as a teacher.
Carol,
You wrote this so long ago…and I am just seeing it. I am so glad it was comforting to read this. These behaviors are very common in early childhood. If they were not, you would not see so many storybooks devoted to the topics! Your little one is likely long beyond the biting age, now!
My 4 year old daughter has speech delay and she has repetative behaviour of scratching her friends as well as her parents. We are very worried ,why she is hurting again and again even if we told her scratching hurts. We seriously need your help.
Hi Ashray, thanks for writing in. Our books are available all over the world. I’m not sure if there are retailers in SA that carry the books, but you can certainly order them online. You can always order the eBooks from our site or other retailers if that works. Thanks again. SFK
Done properly spanking does not harm children. It teaches them that their inappropriate behavior has painful consequences. To many times parents spank in anger and yes that is wrong. The bible is very specific about spanking, so if it is good enough for God then it is good enough for me. I was spanked as a child and I turned out just fine. If children are taught at an early age and in a consistent manner to obey, you won’t have to spank much when they are older. This is why kids today are spoilt and out of control, they know that there will be no real consequences to their actions. When they get older and go to jr high and high school they have no respect for authority cause they know there is no real consequences. When we took spanking out of schools, and prayer and the bible, that is when our schools went down hill. Now we have a bunch of out of control adults who think that they can do what they want and their will be no consequences.
“Train up a child in the way they should go and when they are old they will not depart from it.” It is the parents responsibility to train that child. Not the government or the schools.
Hi Lisa,
Thanks for taking time to write. We must all choose what works for our families, what resonates with us personally, and what we believe to be the best way to parent our children.
It’s entirely possible to be a faithful servant and a loving, empathic parent who teaches kids to become loving, productive and well-behaved members of society, by leading by example. Knowing what I know, that doesn’t include spanking.
I, too, was spanked…and I believe I turned out just fine, as well…but it wasn’t because of being spanked…it was IN SPITE of it. My parents are amazing, loving, “always have your best interests at heart”, kind of parents who did everything they could to raise good kids. They didn’t know what parents today know about spanking. The research wasn’t even close to being out back then.
Neuroscience can now inform us about what works best for the brains of children…and for helping them learn how to behave better much more quickly than spanking or time-outs ever could. I don’t know this just because I’ve read thousands of pieces of research in the course of my career, but because I’ve seen it in action with the thousands of families with which I’ve worked, and in my own home raising my three children.
Connection, understanding, love, empathy and teaching kids a better way is what works most quickly and for the long term. Our brains were created to become wired up in healthy ways in the context of a relationship with bigger people, in bigger bodies, with bigger brains, who could show us HOW to manage big feelings, cope with life’s upsets and learn to manage it all in prosocial ways.
The term discipline comes from the word disciple…which means to teach. For me, that seems like a great place to start.
We may fear that if we don’t “do something” (punish)…our children will grow up to be unruly, unsavory adults. In my experience, people don’t grow to become that way if they are not spanked. They grow up to become that way if they are not LOVED. Warm, caring, responsive adults help change brains for the better.
Behavior improves over time because the brain matures, coping skills are gained and children have the capacity to make better judgments. Spanking doesn’t improve brain maturity, positive neuronal connections or behavior for the long haul. In fact, it has the opposite effect. https://news.utexas.edu/2016/04/25/risks-of-harm-from-spanking-confirmed-by-researchers
It’s never my aim to change people’s minds or make people believe one way or another. We all must read all we can, be in the know…then decide what works for our family.
Good day. I have some issue about my lil boy – his my pupil, actually they are three who turn my classroom into a war zone . But this boy loves to punch, push and hurt his classmates, I already do all the measures I know, I’m not good in scolding, I already tried to raise my voice but it’s not helping. I need some advise how to tame such very aggressive kid. He is sweet and kind to me, he loves to follow me everywhere I go – I’m sad I feel embarrass because I cannot tame him. My other pupil (girl) she’s changing – she become more aware of what she’s doing and she listen me, at first this lil boy and girl shares the same behavior.. I failed to change the boy 🙁 Can i ask for advise?
I am a father of a 5 year old daughter and she just recently scratched herself in the face when she was told not to do something. this really worried me and I want to solve this problem quickly before it can lead to anything else. How or what should I do?
Hi Curt,
First of all, don’t panic. Pay attention, but don’t panic. Young children can self-injure when their capacity for coping has reached its limit and they do not know what to do about BIG feelings like frustration, anger or upset. These kids need our help to help them identify and resolve feelings. I suggest taking a trip to the library to find some fun books that talk about feelings. Just ask your librarian. You can also browse the Stress Free Kids blog and our blog at Kidlutions (just click on my name below) to find resources that help. If you’ve done all you can to support your daughter in learning new coping skills and the behavior persists, I recommend talking to her pediatrician or an early childhood therapist who can offer more direct support and ideas. Good luck.
Hi there, my 2 year old started Montessori about 3 months ago and has had a couple incidents, but this weeks she has scratched several kids 3 days in a row. She is feeling a bit under the weather, but she also has a 6 week old baby sister. I know the transition from being an only child to being a big sister can be tough. She’s always been very physical/active and has shown aggressive behavior time to time, but her consecutive scratching this week is worrisome. She gets time outs at school, but she has scratched a kid right after coming out of her time out. I noticed that this week she even tried to scratch her sister and our neighbors child (whom she idolizes bc she is 2 years older). And her teachers have said they’ve seen an odd shift in her behavior this week. Could it be that she is just not feeling well, therefore acting out? The school said they will have to send her home if it happens one more time. I feel so terrible for my daughter, who is only 2 and dealing with so many big emotions right now. And I also feel terrible for the kids who she has been scratching. I’ve asked the teachers if a specific thing sets off my daughter and they insist that she just does it randomly. Perhaps it is overstimulation? Yikes, this is so hard.
I wanted to add that in general, she is super loving, outgoing, and fun! She has a really good vocabulary, but isn’t able to express why she scratched kids. When I ask her, she just kind of repeats the reasons I suggest (I suggest them because if I don’t she just keeps saying, “I scratched so and so…” without saying why. Maybe there isn’t a reason?). I’ve tried most of the suggestions in previous posts except a rewards chart. I thought 2 was too young to start, but I guess I can give it try. Any input would be helpful!
Awwwwww, Suzy! You are a loving, wonderful mom! Two is such a tender age and adding a new sibling to the mix can make things might stressful for a little one. MIGHTY! It may be that she has anger over the BIG changes in her life, which she simply cannot express. Time-out does nothing to change that (which is why I personally have moved away from suggesting parents use it…way to long to get into here)…but suffice to say that we need to teach skills…not punish kids for not knowing what to do with those BIG feelings. Most early childhood programs have highly trained staff who understand how very common these behaviors can be and put supports in place to help kids. Teaching about feeling angry, frustrated and upset is a good start. Check out our resources starting here: http://kidlutions.blogspot.pt/2017/06/supporting-your-angry-child.html (you may have to copy and past that link). That post has several links to more resources for helping young children with anger. That’s just a start. We have many other resources specifically for early childhood anger-management. Good luck to you, mama, and your precious kiddos.
Does the same apply to kids in the Autism Spectrum?
Hi Charles, I came across this site Autism Research Institute.You may find some helpful strategies from Lauren Moskowitz, Ph.D., is an Assistant Professor of Psychology at St. John’s University. She received her B.S. from Cornell University and her M.A. and Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology from Stony Brook University. She completed her internship at NYU Child Study Center and Bellevue Hospital and her postdoctoral fellowship at NYU Child Study Center. Her research focuses on behavioral assessment and intervention for children with autism spectrum disorders and other developmental disabilities (DD) in naturalistic contexts, intervention for parents of children with ASD and DD, and cognitive-behavioral therapy with children and adolescents. https://www.autism.com/treating_tips
I have a child in my class who since the day he arrived in my class has been biting and hurting other children. He had been kicked out of 3 other schools for that behavior. He will soon turn 3. His bites and aggression towards other children in the class have gotten worse. He now bites children in the faces and leaves awful marks. He also pinches and scratches their faces leaving deep marks. A child could be off playing alone and he will come along and try to hurt them without cause. Most of the time it’s because a child has a toy he wants, so we take it away. We recently realized he cannot be left alone for a second with other children. I know his speech is delayed and he has problems communicating, so that’s a problem too. He is luckily getting help, but his aggression is getting worse. My problem is that the school wants me and my co teacher to constantly shadow him, but it is difficult when we have 11 other children and some of them have behavioral issues as well. As you can imagine, it is tough to deal with this situation when you also have other children in the class who hurt others as well. Everyone is use to 1 child acting out, but it’s half the class that does and it’s such a stressful environment. I feel bad for the children who want to be able to hear a story and play nicely in the classroom, but can’t because of other children acting out. Then we have to focus all our attention on them, but most of all on the child who bites. It seems we have tried so many different things to keep everyone happy and nothing seems to work and a new problem arises. We have suggested the biting child needs a lower ratio classroom and more one on one with a teacher, or even half days. When too many children are in his space he lashes out more frequently. The school wants us to solve the problem,but they don’t seem to be doing anything to help us. They leave myself and my co teacher in a small classroom with 12 children to deal with the craziness. I think about leaving all the time, but I know the children need me and I’m trying to stick it out till the school year ends. Any suggestions of what we can do?
My son is 4.5 and he just started at a dayhome after being st home with me for 3.5 years. He’s been struggling. He’s also an only child. The 2 year old there has been biting him but has stopped the last few weeks apparently according to the dayhome provider…but my son says it’s still happening. Regardless today my son scratched 4 girls while playing cops and robbers and said he did it because he was angry. He’s never done this before and I’ve tried explaining to him that hurting others is not the answer and we never use our hands to hurt others. He knows better and after that he cried and felt bad. He cries often thinking the kids don’t like him and needs constant approval. I just don’t know what to do…I feel like I’ve failed.
How do you handle a 5 year old who bites, kicks, punches, scratches, and cusses out teachers? I’m abused daily at a headstart and this kid is very wild.
Hi all!
My daughter is 22 months and for he last couple months has been seriously dealing with handling her emotions as far as scratching and hitting. She is super affectionate and emotional in general, which I love, but also has a not so pretty side. She will grab kids faces and scratch so hard. Sometimes a kid will have a toy she wants but other times it’s out of no where. It’s exhausting to deal with and I get so embarrassed. I try time outs but she totally doesn’t get it and I don’t think it helps. She will say “I’m mad!” When we ask if she’s mad. I tell her it hurts, calmly, but when it happens constantly, at every play date or class, I’m not sure what else to do. I am a nanny of a 3 month old who is with us full time and today she scratched him. For no reason. It’s happened before and it’s maibly when he’s crying. Help!!
I have the same question! My two year old doesn’t scratch because of anger/stress/disappointment. He does it because he thinks it’s funny. And like you said, he does it out of nowhere! I explain to him “ouch, that hurts. Don’t scratch, that’s not funny.” He is not phased by my response.
My child has an issue with scratching others. She’s 11 now and this shouldn’t be an issue but today I pick her up at the bus stop and she hops in real fast and says lets go, can we just go laughing and smiling and there are about 10 kids standing by my car knocking on the window and when i roll it down they tell me how she scratched him and made him bleed. When talking to my daughter all I get are I don’t knows… I don’t know why i did it, I don’t know how i felt, i don’t know what they did to make me do it. The only thing she does say is that it’s always someone else’s fault. She is never in the wrong. Im just not sure what to do.
Hi, thank you for this article.
Its very helpful given that our son who is 2 1/2 is scratching and pinching. He is also non-verbal and up for an evaluation because he fits the criteria for autism. We just got a call today that if his behavior continues, he will not be able to stay at the daycare. This is now the 3rd daycare that he will not be able to attend. We have tried every approach but nothing has worked and his behavior has gotten worse. I am worried that he’s autistic because I already have a child with Charge Syndrome (www.chargesyndrome.org). It is overwhelming. Thank you for these posts.
My 12-year-old son is getting aggressive and violent with his playmates. I agree that we, parents, need to teach our children into new behaviors, we can’t punish them because of their wrongdoings. It is our responsibility to educate them about what is right or wrong. Thanks for your guide on how to help a child in cooping this kind of situations. Cheers!
moderation.
Hello I have a son Kevin he is 8 yrs old and am a single parent mother have to work 12 hrs to make end meet. Of late I have noticed my son has changed alot in thought in speaking. I am worried as he is being directly misguided by my mother and my son says he doesn’t miss me or love me my mother does not try and upbring the child to say that your mother is going out to work for you. I am worried Mam I feel very left out by my son and I am loosing him please help how to get mother and son love and bond strong
I’ve been having a hard time with my son hurting me when we go out places. At the park for example he hit me because I kicked his soccer ball & today he was nervous to go into a new class so I tried picking him up and he scratched me then hit the mirror when I put him down. I feel so upset now that I have painful scratches on me often. He is 4 and I had did have him go to timeout today. What would you recommend I try otherwise?
I’m only commenting because this is the 30th article (and of course many books/podcasts/etc) I’ve read and I wish someone would talk about some specifics. My three year old does this at home, to his family, including me, and sometimes really hurts us. There is no way to calmly say “ouch, head butting me in the teeth hurts”. And also, it doesn’t come from any obvious issue in the present moment, it is random. With my daughter it was so easy. I could she her getting death rates or angry and coach her through healthy ways to deal. With my son I walked into the house from doing some work in my office and greeting him and asked if he wanted a hug and he came up and kicked me in the shins are scratched some skin off my arm. And if he is having a full on tantrum there is sort of no way to restrain him (I know this sounds totally ridiculous). If he has been hurting me or others and try to stop him he just finds a new way to hurt me while he is being restrained – scratching or once biting my finger so hard I lost feeling in the end of it for a month. I’m going to take him to a play therapist soon if it doesn’t t resolve since I feel anxious and scared in my own house because I never know when I’m going to get hurt next. I wish the bloggers and authors would talk about these difficult situations with a bigger dose of reality!